A message from the heart: Graduation

Hello everyone,

My posts have been a bit all over the place recently which I think is reflecting what is going on in my life right now. Instead of all the outfit and spending summary posts I thought would be the main focus of my blog, I am finding what I want to write is what is going on in my head right now and that's job hunting and finishing Uni. I guess that is how it should be because as much as I try to take outfit photos and talk to you about what i'm buying or wanting, my heart isn't in it and I need to be honest for my posts to have real meaning.

I had my graduation on Thursday and as much as I would love to write how fabulous, liberating and celebratory it was, I just cant as I would be lying. It was a bit of weird one. We set off at 630 am to travel down to Southampton and snoozing along the way left me feeling grouchy when we arrived in the city. I think the windy weather didn't help, making my mood stick for the rest of the day.

Everything was a bit difficult with the weather and with my dad having spinal problems (which he finds it painful when doing too much walking or on the contrary, too much sitting) I was anxious of the crowds of people and of us waiting around. In typical Dad style he insisted he was ok so neither my mum or I knew what was the best thing to do. The crowds in the photography hall and the people lingering behind me whilst I was trying to sort out my unruly long fringe (very important of course) made me tense and frustrated. I was already nervous about walking across the stage in heels I wasn't used to so couldn't relax. I then was so unhappy with my official photograph when seeing the snap my mum took over the guys shoulder. I know to everyone else I probably seem like a drama queen and they don't see the problem but I think it comes down to expectations and it wasn't how I've always imagined it. I was angry at myself because it was all because I just wanted to get us into some space so we could all relax; I rushed it and didn't take my time to enjoy the moment. 

The ceremony was actually really nice, the speeches were inspiring and actually got me quite emotional. Even though it was quite a long time I still enjoyed it and felt relieved walking down the stairs successfully, all modesty intact.

Outside it was again horribly windy which I think everyone found a battle. I was freezing and with that came a reality shock to what my University experience had really been like. It left me disappointed as it highlighted to me I wasn't or hadn't been who I thought or liked to have been and I really had wasted 3 precious years of my life.

This is quite hard for me to be this honest but I think its important to share with everyone what happened to me so other people can learn from it. I am also hoping it will be a great aid in helping me overcome my regrets and move forward.

When I started University I had just met my boyfriend. It wasn't my first choice and I don't think I was really sure what I wanted. I had a really tough time settling in, so home sick I was ready to leave or transfer at Christmas. I felt I wasn't being the lively,  outgoing, funny person I used to be and found I slotted into a rut of someone I never thought I would be. 2nd year I decided to go home at weekends as I was only in a few days (and hours) a week. I thrive off a busy lifestyle and I soon found I became a lot happier having a balance of home and uni life with a lifestyle to stop my from sitting in a room over thinking things.

me and my housemates

Come third year I had really found myself at University. I was throwing myself into my work and loved my PR modules. My house mates and I became incredibly great friends and I loved living in our own little house as our own little family. I wasn't ready to leave Uni. I couldn't believe it, after all this time, I DIDN'T want to leave. I felt happy and content with who I was and what I was doing. It soon dawned that I had been over ruled by my emotions and not really tried. I should have forced myself to join clubs and made that plunge to say  'lets go out' to course mates I saw day to day. 

Standing in the wind outside the grand Guild Hall at Southampton I watched groups of girls from my course toss their hats in the air and huddle together in groups for photos to Kodak the final stage of their journey they took together. Now, don't get me wrong, I am NOT a complete loser. I have friends, I promise. My friend Ellen and I got a few snaps in but sadly I didn't pursue finding my friends Abi, Katie and Georgia (all from different social groups) for a graduation snap. I am so sad about this as now I am full of regret and trust me, that's the worth feeling you could ever have. I think if my house mates had been there it would have been a completely different vibe as they are the ones that made my University life but sadly we all graduated on different days.

John Lloyd, QI, Black Adder and Monty Python writer was our guest speaker at our ceremony and his words really stook with me. It was strange it was almost like he was speaking directly to me. In a few different words he said 

"Don't plan, don't worry and take the leap as in the end the net will always be there to catch you." 

Now, I plan EVERYTHING. I worry, ALL THE TIME and with my university life in particular - I DIDN'T LEAP.

He said one more thing which has been really poignant for me these few days after the disappointment of my graduation which have caused me to give myself the full on silent treatment through anger at not embracing the day the way I should have.

'It will be the things you didn't do you will regret more than the things you did do"

Nothing has ever had such meaning as that has right now having not embraced my graduation day and my University life like I should have.

BUT I'm going to end this post on a positive note. It wasn't ALL bad. I got some alright photos. (HA, joking, I got more than that!) I am so thankful for everything University taught me and I am proud of my 2:1 degree because I did work so hard. I am thankful for the friends I made, though few they know me inside out and I will never forget them and the bond we have. The lessons it taught me about who I am and the determination I had to stick it out despite my incredibly rocky start. It might not have been the vision I had for my University days and I probably could have done a lot more but everything happens for a reason and learning this now, only means a brighter future.

Sadly,  I will always regret not making the most of the one of the most important days I will have in my live and I only ask anyone reading this to learn from me and embrace not only your graduation or University days but EVERY day because you won't get it back. I know this all sounds pretty deep but it was a significant 3 years of my life that has shaped me to who I am right this second. John Lloyd said that 'advice means nothing until you have past it on' and I think he is so right. Nothing hits home until you are advising someone else and if I could advise anyone anything it would be to go into everything saying yes and to go into everything with no expectations and I promise it will be better. Everything I have done with the hope it to be like the vision in my head has always left a little part of me disappointed. Expect nothing as the best parts of life are called surprises.

On that note, I leave you with the words of  U2's single 'One' as we really do only have 'one life'.